Solitude
by sailor-tin-foil
Summary: Love is not beauty and shimmer and hope. Love is pain and angst and denial. No matter who you are. It's never perfect. I'll never be perfect. And he'll never love me. And the truly tragic thing is: I'll never be able to leave his side...


**Hey there my lovely lovely readers! I wrote this in a state of boredom, because I was going to make a YouTube vid for a storyline pretty much exactly like this (And i challenge anyone who can make a vid for me, to do so. I'd love you forever. I'd write something especially for YOU. So humor me!! I didn't have the right clips!) Well, I hope you enjoy this story! Reviews are loved! I don't own Harry Potter, nor the song "Solitude" by Evanescence.**

_How many times have you told me you love her  
As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth_

He was staring at her again. Cho Chang. What makes her so bloody special? What about her is so wonderful? Why can't he see that I'm wonderful too? Why doesn't he notice the way I look at him, the way I'd do anything for him? The way I love him...

"'Mione, is she looking over here?" I didn't even look up from reading the paper. He's already asked a hundred times today.

"How should I know?" I turned the page as I heard him begin to whimper.

"'Mione..._please_. Just take a _little_ look for me..." I could feel him giving me his best "puppy eyes" impression, and I wanted to scream. I threw the paper onto the table, knocking over a goblet of pumpkin juice in the process. I turned around in my seat and looked behind me.

"No, Harry. Cho is _not_ looking over here." I turned around to face him and rolled my eyes at his furious expression.

"You didn't have to make it so damn obvious, Hermione. I thought subtlety was one of your many charms." I rolled my eyes again and stood up, not really wanting to hear about how _Cho_ would have done it. How _Cho_ would have been subtle when spying on someone.

"Where are you going?" Ron asked, finally looking up from his plate of toast.

"Does it matter?" I answer as I gather my things. Storming out of the Great Hall, I don't even glance back.

_How long have I stood here beside you  
I lived through you you looked through me_

I try not to think about it. I tell myself that it doesn't truly bother me. But I'm lying. I know it bothers me. It eats away at my sanity day by day as I watch him fall so deeply in love with someone else. Someone that's not me. So different from me. So much more perfect. It aches and rips. Painful. Love is not beauty and shimmer and hope. Love is pain and angst and denial. No matter who you are. It's never perfect. I'll never be perfect. And he'll never love me. And the truly tragic thing is: I'll never be able to leave his side...

_Ooh, Solitude,  
Still with me is only  
__you  
Ooh, Solitude,  
I can't stay away from you_

I sit at the table in the Common Room, watching him as his quill scribbles clumsily across parchment. His brow it knit with concentration, he gently chews on his bottom lip. I fight the urge to reach across and brush the hair out of his eyes. When he looks up, I don't look away. Our eyes stay focused on each other for a few moments. His emerald eyes that reminded me of broken glass, the kind you'd find in a cathedral mosaic. I smile timidly, a little embarrassed at being caught staring. He smiles back, in that crooked way that makes me blush. But then he looks back down again and sighs.

"'Mione, I've no bloody clue where this paper is going...would you mind looking it over and maybe correcting a few errors?" he doesn't look at me as he says it, so he doesn't see the crestfallen expression that plagues my features.

"No problem." I mumble. He slides the parchment across the polished wood, and leans back in his chair.

"I talked to Cho today. I bumped into her on my way down to dungeons. I asked her to the Ball, and you know what?" he said it so casually, not even realizing the stinging sensation behind my eyes, not even noticing the way my hand shook, smearing ink, or how I had been holding my breath the moment he said her name.

"What?" Ron's voice answered from beside me.

"She said yes! I still don't believe it!"

Neither could I. I had been secretly praying that he'd ask me. Foolish, I know, but it never hearts to dream...well, yes it does, actually. The tightening sensation around my heart was deadly, my lungs burned from lack of air, and if I dared speak, I would no doubtedly burst out in tears.

"Wow, mate, that's bloody fantastic!" I silently thanked Ron for his enthusiasm, for I had none. And when he took Harry by the arm to go to the kitchens (to steal a pint of butterbeer in celebratory style) I shook my head and motioned to the parchment in front of me, a perfect excuse. The moment they were out the portrait hole, I threw the pen down so violently, it shattered, splaying bits of ink all over my white shirt. I stared at the tiny black specks for a moment, then I couldn't hold it in any longer. I pushed the chair over and ran up the stairs to get to my room, barely able to see a first year in my path due to the tears streamingn down my cheeks.

_How many times have I done this to myself  
How long will it take before I see_

The days passed quickly. The red leaves blazing across the grounds soon left, and in their wake came the blinding white powder snow. Harry hadn't really mentioned his date with Cho in a few days, and I was relieved. It was so much easier being around him when he wasn't completely mooning over another woman. A trip to Hogsmeade was the only thing we talked about as we walked from Potions to Charms one afternoon.

"I'm going to go to Honeydukes first thing! I've run out of chocolate frogs." Ron said lazily as he pulled his coat tighter around himself. I smiled and looked over at Harry. He was staring into space as usual.

"After that, we can go to the Three Broomsticks." I said, catching his attention. He looked at me and smiled. But it wasn't the crooked smile, or his excited smile. It was a sheepish exression that brought on dread.

"Well," he began, blushing all the while, "I've made plans with Cho to go get lunch and all that..." He was looking at the floor as he finished, obviously shy about the subject. Bloody hell.

"That's great, Harry!" Ron threw his arm around Harry's shoulder and they laughed.

"Yea...great."

... 

The Hogsmeade trip soon came, and Ron and I made our way through the snow carefully, coats pulled tight and hands thrust deep into our pockets. We didn't waste time with small talk, and I was grateful for it. I had nothing to say, really. We fought our way through the blinding snow in a serene silence, only broken by the laughter of the other students around us.

"So...you want to go grab a butterbeer?" I heard Ron yell over the wind. I nodded my head and we took a left turn, heading towards the Three Broomsticks. We were only half way there, though, when I heard someone calling out.

"Granger! Oi, Granger, I'm talking to you!" I turned around and came face to face with Draco Malfoy. What the hell did _he _want? He and his little goons came trudging through the snow and stopped a few feet away.

"What do you want, Malfoy?" I asked, wanting anything but to be talking to him at the moment.

"Just wondering where Potter was, it's no fun beating him to a pulp with snowballs if he's no where in sight." Crabb and Goyle laughed, I just sighed.

"He's not around, Ferret. He's on a date." Ron answered, shifting the attention.

"Is that right, Weasel? A date you say? Who's shallow enough to date Potter?"

"Cho Chang's shallow enough."

I hadn't even realized that I had said it aloud until four pairs of eyes were boring holes into my forehead. I turned scarlet and my hand flew to my mouth in astonishment. Ron looked confused, and Malfoy...well...I couldn't really place that look. A cross between amusement and a confused sense of _pride?_

"Well, well, Granger. Got a little hostility toward Potter and his girlfriend, huh?"

I glared at him as angrily as I could, but the truth was, he was right. I couldn't deny that I was jealous, that no matter what I did, he'd never love me like he loves her.

"So, you got a date for the Ball yet?"

I looked up in shock. Now every pair of eyes were boring a hole in Malfoy. I just simply shook my head, sending tendrils of brown curls flying around my face.

"Well, you do now. I'll see you by the stairs in the Entrance Hall December 20th. Until then," he bowed and motioned for his goonies to follow suit. Ron and I just stood, stunned in our places.

_When will this hole in my heart be mended  
Who there is left alone by me _

"What?! Hermione, you are NOT going to that dance with Draco Malfoy!" the look in Harry's eyes cut and burned at the same time. He was furious, knocking over the chair he had been sitting in as we studied in the Common Room.

"Well, why not? It's not as though I already had a date." I answer calmly, trying not to look up from the parchment I was scribbling on.

"Sure you did!" he yelled, making my head snap up so quickly, I could feel my neck pop. What was that supposed to mean?

"Hermione...if you wanted a date to the Ball, you should have told me so..." he spoke quietly now, leaning in closer to me, putting his hand over mine. My heart was threatening to explode in my chest.

"Wha-what...do you mean, H-Harry?" I was stumbling over my words like a fool, and I knew my face was flushing a violent shade of crimson.

"Well, I mean, I bet Seamus or one of the other guys would've gone with you. No need going with Malfoy when you could go with a Gryffindor." he smiled as if what he said should have made perfect sense. As though I should have seen the light and sought redemption. What the bloody hell?!

"What if I _want _to go with Malfoy?! He's a bloody better man than anyone else around here!" I screamed, causing all those that had been sitting in the Common Room to turn and stare. Ron stood with his mouth hanging open, while Harry...well, Harry was shaking with rage. His brows were knit in a menacing way that made me afraid of what would happen next.

"Fine. Go with your precious _Malfoy_. I don't give a fuck what you do." he bit out. And just like that, I could feel my heart clamp tightly, right before I felt nothing at all. I sank to my knees as he and Ron turned their backs on me. I gasped for any air I could get in ragged breaths as they stormed out of the portrait hole, slamming it behind them, causing books to fall off the shelves. What had I done?

_Everyone leave me stranded  
Forgotten, abandoned, left  
__behind  
I can't stay here another night _

_Solitude,  
Forever me and forever you  
Ooh, Solitude,  
Only you, only_

_true  
_  
The night of the Yule Ball finally arrived. Neither Harry nor Ron had spoken to me over the last week. It hurt, but over the time, I came to wonder why? Why did it hurt so much? Why did I love someone who could never love me in return? Not for who I was? Nothing more than a friend?

Sure, I had heard gossip, rumors that Harry had threatened Malfoy, almost resulting in a fight or two. But it wasn't chivalry. He wasn't looking out for me, just for his reputaion, and what it would mean if _his_ friend dated a _Malfoy_. Plus, every time I had run into Malfoy over the last week, he would smile or wink at me, making me wonder if it really was just a joke he was trying to pull off. Have a good laugh at the Gryffindor brainiac. Oh _ha ha_. I guess I'll just find out tonight, won't I?

After I had gotten dressed, makeup, hair, the whole nine yard (and I must say, I tried extra hard, just for the hell of seeing Draco's face, nevertheless Harry's when I decended the stairway) I walked down into the Common Room. There, waiting on the table closest to the Girl's stairway, was a small wrapped box. I stepped a little closer, curious as to who got an extra gift tonight. On closer inspection, though, I was shocked to see it was for me! _ME?!_ Why? I opened it, finding inside a small silver bracelet woven through with bits of gold. It was stunning, and matched my dress uncannily. I put it on and smiled to myself. The card had left no clue as to who had given me the gift, but I was fairly certain it was Malfoy. He could easily afford such a treasure. The question, though, was _why_?

_Your secret admirer  
Who could it be _

I decended the stair gracefully, trying my hardest to look as beautiful as I possibly could. Malfoy stood there at the bottom, looking positively smug, his eyes praising my every feature. It was nice to be looked upon so. Harry caught my eye a little closer to the door. He stared as well. Though I knew he was still angry, I could see affection in his green eyes. And it made me blush involuntarily. Though his eyes returned to their piercing anger the moment I took Malfoy's arm. The night was wasted away dancing, laughing, singing along out of tune. Things I had always imagined doing at the Yule Ball, though in my dreams, my date had had a much darker shade of hair. When Draco left my side to go get us something to drink, I felt my arm being pulled away roughly, the rest of me following into the Entrance Hall.

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!" I turned to see Ron staring at me.

"What? I'm having fun, Ronald. Something I didn't expect, but I can't say I'm not pleased." I gave him a sarcastic smile and turned my back on him, only to run directly into Harry. I had tried my best no to look at Harry throughout the night. I knew he must have been having a bloody magnificent time with his darling Cho. I tried to move out of his way, but he stepped in front of me.

"What's the deal with you and Malfoy, 'Mione? Do you actually like that bastard?" his voice wasn't mocking, but it wasn't caring or concerned. It was just cold mixed with fear. What did he fear? That he'd lose his "best friend"? Or his "tutor"? Because what else was I to either of them? After everything we'd been through, what did any of it amount to?

"What if I did, Harry? Would that really be so bad?" my voice came out softer than I had hoped, giving it a pathetic whimper. He stared at me. His eyes roaming mine, looking for truth. The truth was, I didn't really _like_ Draco Malfoy. Yes, he had surprised me, turning out to be better company than I had ever expected, but our past wasn't so far behind us that I could _like_ him. Harry seemed to see this in my eyes. Just what he had been looking for.

"I thought not." He was smug. His smile making my stomach turn.

"What's wrong with you?" I whispered, fearing that if I spoke any louder, I might cry.

"ME? What's wrong with _you_ Hermione? Going off with Malfoy!"

"Where else was I to turn to? The person I wanted to be here with already had a date!" He looked a little surprised, but I knew that he hadn't gotten my point yet, that the sparks just didn't connect.

"Who? Seamus?"

"No you idiot! _YOU!_" I couldn't hold the tears back any longer. The look he gave me was that of confusion and an awkward embarrassment. He was embarrassed that I loved him. How could he?! I began crying as he reached out to pat my shoulder in an awkward fashion, unsure how to take my news.

"Please, don't touch me..." I sobbed, shaking his hand away.

_Can't you see your the one  
It was me, how can you be so blind  
Just to see right through me _

"Hermione, I...I-I can't-I don't know what to say..." His eyes. His cathedral glass eyes were now a murky green, the color of the lake after a heavy storm. The emotions whirling and raging. Unsure of themselves and trying to figure out how to salvage something that could never be the same.

"Then don't say anything at all."

He nodded. Our eyes met, and I knew. We would end up just trying to forget this. We would just pretend that I didn't love him That everything was just fine. I nodded back. Knowing that that must be the best way to handle it. What else could I do? He would never love me.

"Well, I've got to get back to Cho...I think Malfoy's looking for you." I tried to smile, but found it painful. He reached up and brushed a tear away with his thumb. His smile regretful and sad and pained. He hadn't wanted to hurt me. He hadn't wanted to break my heart. And I thanked him silently for his remorse.

"Have fun, Harry." I whispered as he walked past me.

"You too, 'Mione. You look beautiful tonight." He said back, making his way to an awaiting Cho Chang at the door to the Great Hall.

_And only you  
And Ooh, Solitude,  
Still with  
__me is only you  
Ooh, Solitude,  
I can't stay away from you_

**Hey hey hey, I hope you enjoyed the read! Now then, if you leave me a comment, I will honor the National "Turn Off Your TV Week" this week, and not watch TV from 4-7. So there. Hope you're happy. haha I'll miss Gilmore Girls. Anywho. COMMENT ME! LEAVE ME A REVIEW!**


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